How to Write Your Friend's COVID-19 Obituary: On Loss in Quarantine
These past couple of days have been slightly rough for me. I was recently informed that my friend, we’ll call him R to protect his and his family’s privacy, lost the battle to COVID-19 after a week in the hospital.
R’s family reached out and asked me to write an obituary. He had noted in his last wishes for me to write his obituary because he always liked how I wrote. In honoring such a close friend of mine, I accepted the request with his mother asking me a question:
Mom: How do you write an obituary for a loved one in a pandemic? How do you describe the loss in a time where we are all losing?
I’ll admit this is not the most comfortable topic for me to write to you. I’ve spent the day writing this obituary, only to delete each letter over and over. I’ve taken breaks, changed locations, relived memories, etc. only to come back with nothing.
An obituary has never been easy to write. I’ve written more than I wish to have ever done, and each loss still tugs at my heart to this day. However, dear reader, if you find yourself in a position like myself, I do have some words of encouragement.
Just.write.it.
Bold (quite literally) and brash words, I know. However, one of the main obstacles I have encountered in writing this is figuring out how to write something so negative and depressing during a pandemic. I don’t want to put more negative news out into the world, especially since so many have died from this virulent disease.
However, what I want to remind anyone reading this is, no matter who you are and what has happened: your loss is legitimate. You have a right to mourn and should exercise your agency to express this in any way that does not harm another.
“Somehow our country has politicized disease, but that doesn’t mean we need to politicize loss as well.”
Somehow our country has politicized disease, but that doesn’t mean we need to politicize loss as well. Mourn in what way you need to, but do not let your pain fuel the agenda of another. We are all survivors; we have all lost another soul to this malignant and malicious pandemic.
“Deal with this trauma in the best way you can so that the ghosts of unfelt feelings do not haunt you”
This isn’t just limited to humans. Losing a pet, plant, or even local business is a deep trauma if you have a strong enough connection. Your most significant responsibility, dear reader, is to deal with this trauma in the best way you can so that the ghosts of unfelt feelings do not haunt you.
That is why I recommend even if you are not tasked with the official obit as I am, write one anyway. Write down the bones and through each memory: from the first awkward hello to the last heartfelt goodbye, perhaps even every awkward conversation about celebrity crushes in between those two. If things didn’t end the way you had liked, this is your time to set things right.
I’ll leave you to your mourning, dear reader, we all have a bit of emotion that needs to be explored. Write to me if you have any questions.
Continued strength,
DPLM